28th

"I don't easily miss people.."

This is one of the things that is true about ME --- myself. I don't easily miss anybody, even those who are dear to me. Even my family. I guess that is the reason why I can stand living away from my family and friends and just get contented seeing them once or twice a year --- when I visit my hometown. I don't miss them that much. As long as I don't see them or hear often from them I'll be OK. Because communication will ignite the fire of "longing" hence I try to keep it low as possible just so it won't light up the candle of "missing".

This is true, until my mom passed away September of  2008. That was probably the darkest day of my life. Three months before her death, I moved out of the house and decided to take a new path for my own life. I never thought that the day I left the house would also be the last day that I will get to hug her... hear her voice... see her full of life. When I started working away from my family---- from her, I tried to keep the communication less as possible because I am scared that I will miss them--- miss her. Not knowing that for the next coming years of my life, I'd be dealing with the pain of wanting to see her... of wanting to be with her.

I am her eldest child. People are expecting me to be strong for my father and two younger siblings --- and I am trying to be strong.... Everyday..... However, before I go to bed every night I think of her and the truth that I will have to wait long to see her again.

I was never a perfect daughter and I will never be one. Since the day I learned to talk I was bound to hurt her with my harsh words. At the age of six, I made my mama cry. There are many times in my life that I am ashamed of her because she keeps on treating me like a child. She keeps on telling me what to do. She keeps on bossing me around. She is noisy. She nags all the time. She meddles in my personal businesses. And now, that noisy woman... the woman who nags early in the morning.... the woman who washes all my clothes every weekend... the woman who never fails to ask where I am going and who I am going out with every time I leave the house.... the woman who waits up for me every night... the woman I LOVE and OWE my life to ---- is gone. Nobody knows this but I would trade everything I have now just to have her back!

All her life, all I did was criticize her, hurt her, disobey her.. I never get the chance to make her proud or make her feel LOVED and APPRECIATED.  The day I graduated from college. I vowed to make it up to her. I promised myself that I will repay all her efforts but she was not able to wait for me. I want her to be PROUD of me. When I started working, I planned to pay her a visit on December of the said year. I promised to myself that I'll take her shopping and I'll buy everything she wants --- but she wasn't able to wait for me. And I will never ever get the chance to hear her say, "I'm proud of you, Nak.."

Those who see me everyday may think I am OK. That the wounds are healed and I have moved on. Truth is, I haven't. And every night I am haunted by the feeling of "longing".

Whenever I go home, my Aunt will always say "go visit your mom at the cemetery." And I'd say, "I will" but I don't really go there. Because I can't take the fact that she is gone. I'd like to think that she is just having an indefinite vacation somewhere far away ---- and going to the cemetery --- seeing and reading her name on the lapida only rubs the "truth" in... The truth that she is GONE --- GONE. I cannot tell this to my aunt nor cousin -- even my brother and sister --- they will never understand. And it will only make the pain return and we will all end up crying. I hate crying.

Whenever I go home, carry my nephew in my arms, play with him, talk to him. I think about my mom. and how she would love to see Anan. If only she had waited. In the future, when I will start my own family and have my own child, I will not have a mother anymore. A mother who will be there to teach me how to bathe or hold my child...  A mother who will happily carry and play with her grandchild.

My mom and I were never really close to each other. I managed to build a wall between us and I built it high and strong. But if I could turn back time, I would have built that wall around "US" so I could enjoy her company and while we are secured and protected from the harsh world.

The reason why I wrote this blog is my brother. Last night he told me how he misses mama. Three years after her death ---- it was the first time he opened up and told me how he is hurting. I tried to cheer him up while fighting my tears (not only because I was having classes that time) but because it was also the time I realized that it was not only me who is STILL hurting. We are all hurting. My sister, my brother, MY FATHER. And we don't show it --- even to each other. Blame it on our stubbornness, hard-headed-ness and PRIDE. We simply don't want anyone to know that we are in pain.

It is painful to think that on the next/coming special days or new chapters of our lives our mama won't be there. We will not see her bright smile or hear her say "You did it." She won't be there to hug us and say, "everything's going to be fine" when we are down or depressed. We will have to travel the road of life and wait long before we will see her and be with her again.

Now, I try to live my life the way that it should be. The way I want it to be. I try to think that I may not see her, she is just out there listening to me --- to us. Watching us. Guiding us.

It is just funny or maybe weird, that for the past three years, there is a day or few days each month that I cry without any reason. I just felt like crying. At times I feel alone and empty. I feel like I am missing something, or maybe ---- someone. And I just cry my heart out without really knowing where the emotions are coming from... and when I check my phone's calendar it is almost ----sometimes, "past" ----yet most of the time, IT  IS---- the 28th day of the month.

And my mama passed away 28 September 2008.